The Universe's Test

I believe the Universe tests us….for strength of belief, determination, resourcefulness and patience. It’s the Universe’s way to determine if we really mean what we say – if we are actually growing into the person we’re supposed to be – or if it’s all lip service.

I failed the test.

I have been searching – for years – attempting to figure out my greater purpose in life. I have such a hodgepodge of interests that I had difficulty discerning a pattern. I finally realized that everything I do – everything – has overtones geared to empowering womyn and girls to use their strengths and talents. Finally! My purpose is clear.

Last night, after dark, a knock came to my door. I was alone with my three children – and wasn’t expecting visitors. I lifted back the quilt covering the door to see a womyn – a stranger. I don’t like strangers at my door. I always feel threatened and scared. I’m too aware that I have no way of protecting myself and my children should that stranger be dangerous. I just want them to go away –and yet – I don’t want to be rude. (how bizarre is that?)

My desire to be polite won out. I opened the door – a crack - and asked what she needed. I could smell alcohol – the biting aroma was close to overpowering. Her eyes were confused, her speech slurred. I was not the one she was searching for, and she didn’t know how to reach her friend. She asked to borrow my phone book. I closed – and locked – the door, then returned with the book. I slid it out the narrow crack in the door – and did not offer any more help. I wanted her to go away. I wanted to feel safe again.

She didn’t leave.

I became increasingly concerned when she did not return with the phone book, nor did her van leave my driveway. I made sure all the doors were locked, refused to let the dog out into the backyard, and alerted my eldest to call 911 if I gave the order. I was afraid.

I wasn’t willing to leave my children to go check on the womyn, and I was hesitant to call the police. She hadn’t threatened me – and I could be wrong about the smell. And if she had been driving drunk – and I called the police – did that make me a snitch? A tattle-tale? (I seem to regress to about 10 years old when I’m scared, don’t I?)

I finally called my neighbors and explained the situation, and they came right over with a strong flashlight and went to her car. Then they came to my door, and told me to call 911 and request police and an ambulance. They weren’t sure if she was drunk or sick – but she needed help.

Within minutes my quiet country neighborhood was filled with about thirty emergency workers. Police, sheriff, EMS, firemen and more. I was outside by this time, shivering in the cold. The womyn said she had driven here from San Diego (her van had California plates) and she really wanted a cigarette. None of us had one to offer her. I stayed in the background, talking with neighbors, while EMS workers talked with her. She had recently gotten out of rehab, was homeless, and had consumed about a fifth of vodka. She was searching for her best friend – but was in the wrong town.

During this, different emergency personnel kept asking me questions, and I kept replying, “I don’t know her –she just showed up! She hasn’t been in my house!” She kept asking to go inside and have a cigarette. I ignored it.

Eventually the crowd thinned – she was the one of the last to leave, in a police car. Apparently they don’t take you to the hospital for de-tox. A policeman stayed behind and took my info and waited for the tow truck to arrive to take her van.

I finally returned to my warmer living room and tried to comfort my children, who were scared from all of the activity. I was high-strung and hyperactive by this point. When I finally calmed down I fell asleep almost immediately.

This morning I awoke with the realization that it had been a test, of sorts. A test I had failed. I had let my fears consume me yet again. I am not ready for the next step in my journey.

Let me explain.

When I looked out my door and saw a stranger I became afraid. That’s a reflex and a protective instinct – and tells us to be cautious. But I never overcame my initial fear – I let it rule me. I gave an obviously drunk womyn a phone book and WANTED HER TO DRIVE AWAY. I didn’t immediately phone the police and ask for assistance – I waited until another (my neighbor) told me it was all right to do so. I became a frightened ten year old (I was 10, and home alone, when a strange man pushed his way into our home when I answered the door. I eventually called a womyn from our church, who talked him into leaving, but I was terrified.)

Because of that fear, I locked myself into my home and did not offer assistance. This womyn was drunk and confused – but did not show anger, aggression or weapons. Even after my neighbors arrived and I finally felt brave enough to leave my locked home, I never talked with the womyn or offered any kind of comfort.

I can explain my initial fear. What I cannot explain, or excuse, is my continuous behavior. I never spoke or made eye contact with the womyn on my front porch. I felt no compassion. I was annoyed. A drunk had landed on my quiet country doorstep – and I resented the intrusion. A womyn in pain had somehow driven across the country and arrived at my front porch – and I was laughing with neighbors. You know – the brittle, slightly hysterical laughter that’s meant to disguise your terror. My children were watching the drama from inside the house – still scared. I told them all was fine, and ignored their need – just as I ignored the need of the stranger on my porch.

I failed the test.

In retrospect, I know I let my irrational fear of strangers set the tone. A less terrified person would have offered blankets and hot coffee – on the porch – I still don’t want to bring a drunk stranger into my children’s home. I should have called the police for assistance, then talked with the womyn. I should have shown my children an example of a strong womyn helping another in need – not a terrified child hiding behind the crowd.

Obviously, I need to find a way to heal that terrified child. I need to face my fears. I’ve hidden them for years, ashamed to bring them to the light.

I’m afraid of the “undesirables”. The homeless, the drunk, the disoriented, the mentally challenged. I become a terrified child, frozen in place, praying they leave. The terror intensifies if the undesirable is at my doorstep.

How can I help people, empower people – if I’m afraid to even look at them? The Universe is right – I need to address this fear if I’m to move forward.

Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted with saying, “Each day, do one thing that terrifies you!”. I’ve hidden in my comfort zone for too long – it’s time to grow. It’s time to jump into situations that terrify me.

When you come to the edge of all the light you have known
and are about to step out into the darkness,
FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen…
There will be something to stand on
or You will be taught how to fly. (Unknown)

It’s my time to fly. To do this, I must do precisely what terrifies me. What terrifies you? Is it time to face your fears, so that you may grow into the person you always meant to be? Join me. Let’s terrify ourselves – and then grow in the warmth of our conquered fears.

It is time.

Frozen Assets

I'm having a hard time being positive and upbeat today. I'm cold. I'm sitting in my living room, six feet from the woodstove and wearing three layers of clothes, but I'm cold. I'm wearing heavy socks and winter boots, but my feet are frozen. I don't think I read the small print about 1900 houses - must remember that, next time.

Also, I'm feeling financially challenged - I paid bills and looked at my budget for the month. Now I'd like to hide until it all goes away.

I guess we all have moments when life just seems to take too much energy. When we want to wrap up in a soft blanket and hide. I know that - in the grand scheme - my problems are very small. The weather will eventually warm, the bank account will recover - and life will go on.

Hmmm....maybe instead of focusing on my icy toes I can remember all my blessings. My wonderful husband, my amazing children, my incredible friends (must remember to buy a thesaurus!)

I no longer measure my imagined worth by the mirror's reflection - or how that reflection differs from the beauty standard of the hour. I've become a fairly good cook - and have the necessary ingredients in the kitchen. I'm finally - FINALLY - using my writing talents on a regular basis.

I am becoming more comfortable expressing my life's purpose - and my dreams are slowly being realized.

I'm on my way.

Even my house, which my mother has threatened to bulldoze, has warmth and charm. It needs much, much, MUCH work - but it has personality and potential - just like me!

Wow - I'm actually smiling. Look at that - I cheered myself up - no chocolate required!

Although chocolate is ALWAYS appreciated! :)

Namaste.

Truths

I love my girlfriends - they've been there through numerous growing pains, bad choices, bad haircuts and bad cooking. I once drove to a girlfriend's house directly from the hair salon and stood there, pointing to my head. "See???? I'm NOT EXAGGERATING!!!" She didn't believe I ALWAYS left the hair salon looking MUCH worse than when I arrived - she doesn't have thick, curly/frizzy hair. "See?" I pointed again to my head. "DO I, or do I not - look like a poodle????"

By this time her mouth was on the ground in horror, so I figured I had made my point. She now knows I DO NOT exaggerate.

Really.

For example, when I say, "I live in a drafty 1900's house - it's really cold in winter!" it means you are welcome to visit, note that I'm wearing three layers of clothes, including long johns, in my living room - and that my hands are still only slightly warmer than ice cubes.

If I say I made a great dinner - it means I would have paid good money for it at a nice restaurant.

And, unfortunately, when I say I suck at juggling - it means I struggle to maintain house, kids, work and sanity with apparently MUCH more difficulty than most. I'm not really sure why. I'm working hard on establing routines and habits - basically learning to clean and care for a house - apparently I was reading a book instead of paying attention to my mother. (that probably happened a lot)

But what I'm slowly learning is that I DON'T have to be my mother or grandmother - who spent their entire days cleaning and re-cleaning the house. I just need to establish - and stick - to simple routines for cleaning and maintenance - and teach others to do the same. And to do it joyfully.

Yup - joyfully. That cleaning a toilet is NOT a waste of ten plus years of college - it's a 20 second exercise that takes care of my family AND makes me happy. (cause scouring out a nasty toilet is NO one's idea of a good time!)

I'm trying to get very Zen about the whole thing. I do what I can for my home, for myself and for my family - and then I move on.

I'll let you know how it goes - I think I'm calmer with the kids (I homeschool three elementary aged kids).

Time will tell.

The Dream

Last night I dreamed I was transported far into the future, then given the opportunity to look back and observe my life – to see how my choices affected my destiny. I awoke inspired, motivated to create the destiny I foretold.

I saw a womyn who was not afraid of life, not afraid of taking chances, not afraid of speaking out. A womyn who unabashedly taught her children not only to dream, but to follow those dreams with every ounce of their being. To turn a deaf ear on the multitudes of dream-stompers who are forever warning of failure, and ordering all to adhere to the normal, well-traveled path.

A womyn who followed her own advice, and set out to share her talents with the world – even if the world wasn’t always welcoming. A womyn who, on her deathbed, was not haunted by the ghosts of what could-of-been. Who was not a shriveled mass of unused potential, bitter and nasty.

A womyn who, when looking back over a life well lived, smiled, content with her choices.

This is my dream, my purpose. A well lived life - for myself AND for others. It is time. We must reach deep within ourselves, past our fears and our pain and our imagined shortcomings. We must connect with the power and healing ability of the universe to find our dreams, our purpose. We must connect with other womyn - because we need all of our energies to break through the barriers.

It is time.

We are womyn. We are powerful. We are life.

And it's our time to change the world.

Namaste.