The Universe's Test

I believe the Universe tests us….for strength of belief, determination, resourcefulness and patience. It’s the Universe’s way to determine if we really mean what we say – if we are actually growing into the person we’re supposed to be – or if it’s all lip service.

I failed the test.

I have been searching – for years – attempting to figure out my greater purpose in life. I have such a hodgepodge of interests that I had difficulty discerning a pattern. I finally realized that everything I do – everything – has overtones geared to empowering womyn and girls to use their strengths and talents. Finally! My purpose is clear.

Last night, after dark, a knock came to my door. I was alone with my three children – and wasn’t expecting visitors. I lifted back the quilt covering the door to see a womyn – a stranger. I don’t like strangers at my door. I always feel threatened and scared. I’m too aware that I have no way of protecting myself and my children should that stranger be dangerous. I just want them to go away –and yet – I don’t want to be rude. (how bizarre is that?)

My desire to be polite won out. I opened the door – a crack - and asked what she needed. I could smell alcohol – the biting aroma was close to overpowering. Her eyes were confused, her speech slurred. I was not the one she was searching for, and she didn’t know how to reach her friend. She asked to borrow my phone book. I closed – and locked – the door, then returned with the book. I slid it out the narrow crack in the door – and did not offer any more help. I wanted her to go away. I wanted to feel safe again.

She didn’t leave.

I became increasingly concerned when she did not return with the phone book, nor did her van leave my driveway. I made sure all the doors were locked, refused to let the dog out into the backyard, and alerted my eldest to call 911 if I gave the order. I was afraid.

I wasn’t willing to leave my children to go check on the womyn, and I was hesitant to call the police. She hadn’t threatened me – and I could be wrong about the smell. And if she had been driving drunk – and I called the police – did that make me a snitch? A tattle-tale? (I seem to regress to about 10 years old when I’m scared, don’t I?)

I finally called my neighbors and explained the situation, and they came right over with a strong flashlight and went to her car. Then they came to my door, and told me to call 911 and request police and an ambulance. They weren’t sure if she was drunk or sick – but she needed help.

Within minutes my quiet country neighborhood was filled with about thirty emergency workers. Police, sheriff, EMS, firemen and more. I was outside by this time, shivering in the cold. The womyn said she had driven here from San Diego (her van had California plates) and she really wanted a cigarette. None of us had one to offer her. I stayed in the background, talking with neighbors, while EMS workers talked with her. She had recently gotten out of rehab, was homeless, and had consumed about a fifth of vodka. She was searching for her best friend – but was in the wrong town.

During this, different emergency personnel kept asking me questions, and I kept replying, “I don’t know her –she just showed up! She hasn’t been in my house!” She kept asking to go inside and have a cigarette. I ignored it.

Eventually the crowd thinned – she was the one of the last to leave, in a police car. Apparently they don’t take you to the hospital for de-tox. A policeman stayed behind and took my info and waited for the tow truck to arrive to take her van.

I finally returned to my warmer living room and tried to comfort my children, who were scared from all of the activity. I was high-strung and hyperactive by this point. When I finally calmed down I fell asleep almost immediately.

This morning I awoke with the realization that it had been a test, of sorts. A test I had failed. I had let my fears consume me yet again. I am not ready for the next step in my journey.

Let me explain.

When I looked out my door and saw a stranger I became afraid. That’s a reflex and a protective instinct – and tells us to be cautious. But I never overcame my initial fear – I let it rule me. I gave an obviously drunk womyn a phone book and WANTED HER TO DRIVE AWAY. I didn’t immediately phone the police and ask for assistance – I waited until another (my neighbor) told me it was all right to do so. I became a frightened ten year old (I was 10, and home alone, when a strange man pushed his way into our home when I answered the door. I eventually called a womyn from our church, who talked him into leaving, but I was terrified.)

Because of that fear, I locked myself into my home and did not offer assistance. This womyn was drunk and confused – but did not show anger, aggression or weapons. Even after my neighbors arrived and I finally felt brave enough to leave my locked home, I never talked with the womyn or offered any kind of comfort.

I can explain my initial fear. What I cannot explain, or excuse, is my continuous behavior. I never spoke or made eye contact with the womyn on my front porch. I felt no compassion. I was annoyed. A drunk had landed on my quiet country doorstep – and I resented the intrusion. A womyn in pain had somehow driven across the country and arrived at my front porch – and I was laughing with neighbors. You know – the brittle, slightly hysterical laughter that’s meant to disguise your terror. My children were watching the drama from inside the house – still scared. I told them all was fine, and ignored their need – just as I ignored the need of the stranger on my porch.

I failed the test.

In retrospect, I know I let my irrational fear of strangers set the tone. A less terrified person would have offered blankets and hot coffee – on the porch – I still don’t want to bring a drunk stranger into my children’s home. I should have called the police for assistance, then talked with the womyn. I should have shown my children an example of a strong womyn helping another in need – not a terrified child hiding behind the crowd.

Obviously, I need to find a way to heal that terrified child. I need to face my fears. I’ve hidden them for years, ashamed to bring them to the light.

I’m afraid of the “undesirables”. The homeless, the drunk, the disoriented, the mentally challenged. I become a terrified child, frozen in place, praying they leave. The terror intensifies if the undesirable is at my doorstep.

How can I help people, empower people – if I’m afraid to even look at them? The Universe is right – I need to address this fear if I’m to move forward.

Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted with saying, “Each day, do one thing that terrifies you!”. I’ve hidden in my comfort zone for too long – it’s time to grow. It’s time to jump into situations that terrify me.

When you come to the edge of all the light you have known
and are about to step out into the darkness,
FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen…
There will be something to stand on
or You will be taught how to fly. (Unknown)

It’s my time to fly. To do this, I must do precisely what terrifies me. What terrifies you? Is it time to face your fears, so that you may grow into the person you always meant to be? Join me. Let’s terrify ourselves – and then grow in the warmth of our conquered fears.

It is time.